Password?
by Watchman
Summary: After escaping from Azkaban and making his way to Hogwarts, Sirius meets a slight snag he hadn't been expecting, and Peeves isn't about to make things better... Unless it's humorous for him, of course. One shot.


Not often that I wander away from the Discworld section, but... Well, it was fun. Hope you enjoy my quick one-shot.

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**...Password?**

At last, he'd made it in. All that time, running, dodging the Ministry of Magic and more importantly the dementors, he had finally made it into Hogwarts. No one had seen him- they'd all been happily eating away in the hall. He would finally be able to have his revenge.

Bounding up the stairs three at time, hearing his own heart thudding, when suddenly-

"Password?"

Damn it. He'd forgotten about this.

"...Er..." he said to the picture of a huge woman in an overly-elaborate ball gown, his eyes darting from side to side as he tried to find a solution. "...Password?"

"Yes, password. It's a word you have to say to get past, you see?"

He frowned. "I'm not just a student from a different house trying to sneak in- I'm a teacher. I have special business."

"Oh really? Well, I'm afraid that isn't enough, teacher or not. It is clearly stated that to get into the Gryffindor common room, you must have the password."

His frown deepened as he ran his hand back through his hair. "Centurius?" he offered.

"No."

Damn. It had been a long shot anyway; that had been the password for when he was at school.

"Slaked lime?"

"Wrong again."

"Engelbert Humperdinck?"

"Is this going to be a long night?" she asked, straightening the front of her dress idly. "Only I did have plans for the rest of the night, you know."

To be honest Sirius wasn't all too concerned about wasting the time of a decoration. It had to be done, and no better way was presenting itself. "Pickled porcupines, Steamliner, Curious camouflage, Righteous jam?"

"No, no, no, and... What was that last one again?"

"Righteous jam, I think it was."

"Oh _yes. _No."

He swore, stamping his foot against the ground.

"Temper temper..." he heard her voice warning him as he pondered on simply grabbing her by the frame and throwing her over the banister. "This is a school, after all."

A gleeful cackle rang through the air. Sirius looked up. "What was that?"

Now the fat lady also looked apprehensive."Hmm. It seems we're both going to be having company."

A strange spectral being seemed to be approaching, bouncing towards them like a ping-pong ball. It was just passing when it stopped during mid air, and a little man in an array of brightly coloured clothing turned to see Sirius. He suddenly looked as though his joy had reached it's peak. "Ooh! Black-hearted Black is back!"

"Congratulations. Peeves, get lost. I'm really not in the mood right now."

"Wait, did he say 'Black'?" said the Fat Lady,suddenly worried. "Sirius Black? Oh, I was told to-"

"You can stay where you are!" Sirius loudly announced, his annoyance overwhelming his concern for subtlety. "I'm trying to give the password here, so you have to wait until I've done!"

"That could take some time..." she muttered.

"Naughty little Blacky, I've heard that you haven't been behaving lately," said Peeves, shaking his head with a terrible attempt being concerned. "Not very good at all."

"Saturday chip shop tea?" Sirius tried again, trying to ignore both of them until he finally heard that little word 'yes'. "Insomnia revisited?"

"It just goes to show that how you act in school _does _reflect your later life outside, ay Blacky? Look at you for example; Fighting in school- Murdering muggles. Getting detention- Going to Azkaban. Sneaking out- Escaping. If you just look you see it all can be linked..."

"Massacred corpses? Insanity inspiration?" he continued, through gritted teeth.

"Getting a little cynical, aren't we?" the Fat Lady remarked.

"Shall I give you a clue, Blacky?"

He sighed. He wasn't about to take help from Peeves, even in a case like this. "I don't need your help. I can do this on my own. Giggletask."

"Nope."

"Oohoo!" Peeves squealed. "You'll never get it."

"Sensory rate?"

"No again."

"It begins with an _F..." _said Peeves innocently, spinning around slowly backwards.

"Ferocity?" he mumbled.

"Final answer?"

"Wrong again," said the fat lady.

"You are the weakest link- Goodbye!"

"Shut up, shut up_, shut up_..." growled Sirius, his hands clutching the sides of his head. It was so stupid it shouldn't have been annoying, but it oh so was.

Peeves started to hold up two fingers at Black, whichcaused himto raise an eyebrow curiously. "...Are you trying to_ swear_ at me, Peeves?"

He shook his head, gestured silently at his mouth which was in it's usual shape of a huge grin, and then held up to fingers again.

"Oh, I know!" announced the Fat Lady. "Two words!"

Peeves nodded. One finger went up.

"First word. Ooh, er, sounds like..."

He mimed taking something out of his pocket and pouring something into his hand.

"Water. Drink, liquid, no... an object? Little objects? Little objects inside something..."

"A wallet?" volunteered Sirius.

Peeves shook his head.

"Okay then... coins. Money? Money."

"We used to play this all the time at parties..." the Fat Lady confessed.

Sirius wasn't listening. He was finally getting somewhere- degrading though it may be. "Money. Lot's of money. Skipping... throwing it around... Millions. A lot. A fortune."

Peeves snapped his fingers. Sirius couldn't help but feel slightly elated. "Right. First word, A Fortune. No? Backwards? Switch it around? Fortun_-a?"_

The Fat Lady made a little noise halfway between a gasp and a hiccough. Sirius smiled.

"Okay," he said, spurred on by success. "First word Fortuna. Second word. ...Big? Big word? No... Large? Important?"

"No, no, Peeves is lying, as usual," said the Fat Lady a little too huriedly to sound even remotely convincing. "And anyway, I... I really had better be going now. My friend Violet is calling, I think..."

"No! Look, I'm not a murderer, okay? I know there's no one in there! There's just something I want to do!"

"So you're becoming a thief _aswell, _Blacky?" said Peeves, and started to nod. "Wise. Very wise..."

"I'm not a thief _or_ a murderer!" shouted Black. "Don't you dare move!"

The sound of what could only be hundreds of kids without parents to shut them met his ears. Damn it, he had been so _close..._

"Quick Blacky, quick!" exclaimed Peeves, still beaming devilishly. "There coming..."

There was only one thing left to do, if he couldn't give the password. He took out his knife.

"They're running up the stairs..." Peeves continued in his sing song voice.

"Hey, what are you doing?" the Fat Lady exclaimed as Black started to do something by her side. "You're not... You're not trying to wrench my picture open with your knife, are you?"

"There's still time to cooperate, you know..." Sirius mumbled through the strain.

"I hate to break this to you Blacky, but I don't think you're gonna do it- QUICK! THEY'VE BROUGHT A DEMENTOR! FLEE, FLEE FOR YOUR LIFE-"

Sirius face went white. Even if he wouldn't believe Peeves there was something about the thought of dementors which was wired directly into his nervous system. He spun around almost immediately after the words had been said, his knife skidding slightly against the frail canvas. There was a small scream.

"...There're no dementors there, Peeves!" Sirius roared, still glancing around hurriedly with fear of being wrong.

Peeves disappeared with a pop, only leaving the remnants of his manic giggling behind.

Sirius bared his teeth. There may have not been any dementor gliding towards him, yet the fact that people were still coming was undoubtable. He cast a quick look back at the picture behind, only to see that the Fat Lady had vanished from it. It contained nothing more than a large, noticeable tear.

Damn it! Now they would all _know _that he had been here. This was not what he had been planning on at all.

"...Sorry..." he mumbled under his breath to the empty painting, as he somehow felt it was required of him, before dashing back to the statue hiding the passage he knew to be his way to temporary freedom. He didn't stop to see the effects of his actions as they were discovered.

Oh well. If no other time presented itself, there was always _next _halloween.

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